In the field of speech-language pathology, we often witness family members transitioning into a new role role of caregiving. In the hospital, mothers spend every moment by their child’s side as do wives for their husbands. In the clinical or school setting, parents learn of their child’s diagnosis and dedicate themselves to a new life of scheduled therapy appointments. Whether the diagnosis is brain injury, stroke, or autism, the family’s role changes. With those changes, here are some important ideas to keep in mind, courtesy of Dr. Alex Lickerman’s blog “Happiness in this world”.
The Caregiver’s Manifesto
1. Care for yourself first
Caregivers routinely make their first priority taking care of someone else–which is why they often need to be reminded to take care of themselves. Caregivers ignore their own needs not just at their own peril, but at the peril of the people for whom they care. Figure out whatever you need to do to maintain balance – a daily walk by yourself, a good book to enjoy at the end of the day – and do it.
2. Preserve whatever you can of your original relationship
Just because your spouse/sibling/child/friend requires care doesn’t mean either of you want to change the nature of your relationship – but that is still often what happens. It is extremely difficult when your spouse, for example, requires help with basic self-care tasks for the balance of power that exists in all relationships not to shift toward the caregiver. But both of you retain the power to create moments in which your old ways of relating are captured. Exhaust your creativity to retain whatever elements of the way you previously related to your loved one. The way you used to connect isn’t the only way possible. Find new ways that work for you both.
3. Laugh at everything you can
Some psychologists consider laughter an adaptive defense mechanism that helps us withstand unpleasant experiences. Seek to create experiences designed to make you and your loved one laugh. Seek humor in even the most grisly circumstances. Never forget that most important of equations: humor = tragedy + time.
4. Get as much help as you can
Most caretakers only think to ask for help long after they actually need it. Additionally, most caretakers lack sufficient training for the care they are required to provide. Learn what you need to learn to be a good caretaker however you can and seek professional support as early as possible.
5. Know your limits
If you constantly allow your limits to be exceeded without sufficient rest between episodes you’ll almost invariably become used up. Often this state is reached without the caregiver’s even realizing it, their loved one’s needs often growing slowly like grass–without being directly recognized. It is neither selfish nor weak for a caregiver to acknowledge their limits and act accordingly.
6. Embrace your new life
Life is change. Everything is impermanent, the original Buddha taught. Everything, and there is nothing we can do to change this fact. Rather than rage against a change we don’t want but can’t stop, we must embrace it, fully discarding our old lives and seeking to create meaning and value out of our new ones. It’s amazing how simply accepting adverse circumstances we can’t change can free us from some of the pain of experiencing them.
7. Value yourself for the care you provide
Even if your loved one doesn’t express their appreciation, or expresses it so often it ceases to have meaning, recognize and value your own achievement in committing to the care of another person. It’s a great gift to give–perhaps even the greatest–and it makes all who chose to give it truly worthy of the word noble.
Dr. Alex Lickerman is a general internist and former Director of Primary Care at the University of Chicago and has been a practicing Buddhist since 1989. His blog is called Happiness in this World, published on Pyschology Today.
